I
was not born with a best before date stamped on my forehead.
“Your expiry date is fast
approaching.”
I had pretty much tuned my aunt out
but that last sentence struck a nerve. It took every ounce of willpower I had
to bite my tongue.
Ever since I turned 18 every
relative [male and female] had taken it upon himself or herself to remind me
that the time for marriage was getting closer. I had been given a deadline, a
deadline I have been aware of since grade school. I dread family reunions
because the conversations are always the same:
- Me: Hello Aunty. How are you?
- Relative: Hello, my dear.
So where’s your boyfriend?
(Insert eye roll)
- Me: I don’t have a boyfriend Aunty.
- Relative: Ah!
At your age? Better hurry up and find someone before all the good men are
taken. Shebi, you know what to look
for in a man?
- Me: Yes
Aunty, I do.
- Relative: That’s
good. {Then comes the rant about my expiry date)
(Insert plausible excuse to escape
conversation)
For many years it has been hammered
into my head the kind of things I should look for in a man.
Intelligence – Very important. You
are going to have children with this man and you don’t want stupid children do
you?
Ambition – Make sure the man has a
suitable amount of ambition; not too much and not too little. You want a man who
works hard and still makes time for you. A man with a degree in a reputable
course like medicine, law or engineering is acceptable. Stay away from the
artists and poets; they don’t put food on the table. A starving artist is not
an ideal man.
Religion – Find a man who shares
your faith. It makes life easier.
Family – Research his family
history. Is there a history of mental or physical illness in his family? Is it
a gene thing or might they be cursed? Either way if you find anything
suspicious, Run!
Race – Not an issue, as long as he
ticks all the other boxes he can be black, white or brown.
Beauty – Attractive but not too attractive.
You don’t want to spend the better part of your day chasing away women with a
stick when you both go out.
Decency – Find a man that has a
good heart and a kind spirit. A gentleman. Life is already difficult enough
without the additional burden of an abusive husband.
Height – 6ft Plus. Not a
requirement but highly recommended.
These are not bad traits to look
for in a man. I am assuming that most mothers want specific traits for their
daughters. My problem isn’t with the list because I know my family wants the
best for me. My problem is the endless
hounding. I am just 20! Can I live? This is the time of my life when I should
be living it up and discovering who I am and having fun with different people.
I would like to get through a day, a week, a month without some nosy person
asking me if I’ve found my husband yet.
Twenty-five. I was told that 25 is
the ideal age to get married and by thirty five I should have given birth to
all my children. A minimum of four children because two is too small a number
and three is an uneven number so four children would be perfect.
I always wondered who came up with
these numbers. 25. 35. 4. The golden numbers of marriage and everything that
comes after that.
Chimamanda the renowned Nigerian
writer in her Tedx talk, which was featured on a song in Beyoncé’s new album, asked,
“Why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage ad why don’t we teach boys the
same.” I remember hearing that sentence and nodding my head vigorously and wondering
why? In 2014 shouldn’t things be different? We are no longer living in the old
days when women were expected to stay at home and care for the kids. The role
of women in the world has drastically changed but like many things in life
there is always room for improvement.
Why is our value as women
inextricably tied to the men we marry, the kids we have and the homes we keep. Don’t our other achievements count for anything?
What about the lives we changed and the people we help? Do good deeds count? Is
it possible for a woman to live a fulfilled life without a husband and a child?
Let me tell you a story. This is a
conversation that took place at a wedding I recently attended. I am
paraphrasing in some instances but the gist of the story is the same. Lets call
the women Red Lips and Devils Advocate.
The bride’s aunty was giving a
speech during the reception. I was seated at a table with nine other people but
no one was paying attention to the bride’s aunt. All eyes were on a woman with
ridiculously arched eyebrows and blood red lips who was dishing out gossip to
her friend in a fake whisper voice, making it obvious she wanted everyone to
hear. From the mischievous glint in her eyes it was clear that she was enjoying
being the center of attention, enjoying tearing a woman to pieces with her
words. Everyone at the table was hanging on to her words although we pretended
to be preoccupied with other things.
Red Lips said, “You know her
husband left her because she didn’t want to have any children.”
“What if she was unable to have children?
It might be a medical condition.” Devils advocate said, clearly enjoying her
role.
Red lips shook her head and said,
“No. It was a choice. She doesn’t want kids. She didn’t even want to marry in
the first place. It was her family that pressured her to marry him and the man
only agreed because she was rich.”
“But didn’t she tell him she didn’t
want kids before they married?” Devils advocate asked
“She did but he thought he could
change her mind. He left her when he realized that she was serious about it.
Can you imagine? What kind of woman doesn’t want a husband and children? Olorun maje. And she’s so pretty too.
It’ just such a shame.” Red lips turned away from her friend to eye the woman.
Everyone at the table followed with
their eyes, casting surreptitious glances at the lady who was the target of gossip.
“Do you know she’s an engineer? She
has accomplished a lot.” Devils advocate said
“Ehen? And so? Is her engineering degree going to love her and take
care of her when she’s older? “ Red lips sneered derisively
Devils advocate shrugged and
silently sipped her champagne as she continued to watch the woman.
What struck me most about the woman
Red Lips was talking about was how much she sounded like my favorite character
from Greys Anatomy, Dr. Cristina Yang, an accomplished heart surgeon, with
numerous accolades and achievements. Christina is a woman who knows what she wants
and what she doesn’t want and she had always known she didn’t want children. It
was something she had always been upfront about in her relationships. The men
always claimed to be okay with, adopting a love conquers all stance but alas love
failed to conquer all. Christina’s choice to not have children eventually
caused a rift in her relationships, when the men realized that nothing could
make her change her mind.
I realize that the problem the men
had, the problem society as a whole has, is lack of understanding and respect
of other people’s choices. It’s like we are incapable of putting ourselves in
the shoes of others and looking at things from their perspective.
Millions of women around the world
are incapable of giving birth for various reasons. They want children and so
they undergo the rigorous adoption process or IVF treatments and other
fertility treatments. Because these women struggle with fertility issues, some
people look at women who can give birth but choose not to as ungrateful,
selfish and cold.
Bringing a child into this world
shouldn’t be something you do because society expects it from you. Childbirth
is a glorious thing and every child should be brought into this world knowing
that its loved, cared for but mostly wanted.
I won’t pretend to understand women
who claim to have no maternal instinct and want no children of their own,
because I really don’t understand it. I have always wanted children. As a kid I
used to play mummy with my dolls and teddies. So although I might not understand
why a woman would not want children, I respect it. A child is a huge
responsibility and carrying a human being inside your body for nine months is a
VERY big deal. I respect a woman who recognizes the enormity of that
responsibility and knows herself enough to realize that she would be unable to
be the kind of mother a child deserves.
That being said, my expiry date is
fast approaching (only 5 years away) and I should
probably be outside searching for my future husband or in the kitchen brushing
up on my cooking skills. #WifeyMaterial. (Insert eye roll)
P.S If you haven’t already noticed
I am a professional eye roller
Thank you for reading. Comments and
criticisms are welcome as always J
- Atalia Zee
